Even good spam is bad

Wanted to share some recent spam I got via e-mail. I was actually impressed by their manipulative effort and felt it merited some play by play. My inner monologue in in bold italics below.... (fancy, I know)

EMAIL OPENED......

Hello!

Seems a happy sort. Cheerful.

I just want to thank you for your wonderful blog commecon.blogspot.com.

Gee, I already feel warm and fuzzy. Someone LIKES it!!
 
I read the post "Top Ten Twitter Bios"

My most recent post at the time. Maybe this is real...

and then I spent another hour on your blog by reading your posts with pleasure :)

Big smile. Wait a sec. Even I wouldn't send an hour reading it. Maybe this is is a spammer.

Every article is interesting and easy to read.

Well, I DO fancy my writing is a like that, at least a bit. Would be nice if someone agreed. Hard not to really.

I really like the "Rock and Roll Faux of Fame (ver 1.1) #RnRFoF".

Hmmm. The EXACT title another recent post. An awkward title. Almost like it was captured via automation. Maybe my super-smart new friend is a spammer after all. That would be sad. He is saying such nice things. Maybe not. I can hope.

I work for Jooble company, we aggregate job adverts around the world.

Dammit.

My job is to persuade bloggers to link to our site.

Dammit. Dammit.

I really love my job! We have a friendly team and good management, but unfortunately I have no idea how to convince a blogger to link to us,

Wistful, faint flicker of hope he is real. So happy he like where he works. Poor fella, not sure what to do. If he is real, maybe old Kel can help him out... 'cuz I am like smart and stuff.

I'm afraid I might lose my job because of it :(

Oh the guilt. My new fan is at risk! Wait.. my new fan is a spammer. Trying to guilt me. Sigh.

And that is why, instead of sending letters to thousands of different blogs, I am reading yours.

But he DID pick me. Crap, I wish this was real.

Honestly, I am not really sure if the link to our website in United States - (spam site URL), will be appropriate for your blog, but if you believe it will and you can add it, I would be really grateful to you! Our site is really cool, it can greatly help hundreds of people to find jobs.

Now grumbling through the rest of the spam. Crestfallen and irritated.

I wish you to have a good day and excellent mood! Thanks again for your nice blog. Write more! Thanks!

Yeah, yeah.

P.S. I am a Aries by zodiac sign too :)

Oh, now you are just being a dick. Expecting me to buy his is real by grabbing my month of birth from my profile to "personalize". You think I am dumb or something? I caught on SENTENCES ago.

Oh, and "by zodiac sign"? REALLY?? You already mentioned how clear and interesting I write and expect THAT not to jump out at me? Oh wait, there was no real evaluation of my prose. Dammit.

Best regards,

xxxxxxxx
Account Manager

Sad panda. Off to play Zombie Lane.

Top Ten Twitter Bios

Pretty self explanatory.  If you have suggestions on the rankings or new ones to add, please tweet/comment/e-mail me. 

The decisions of Thul are final.

(yes, the decisions of the "tool" are final... hardy har har)


TOP TEN TWITTER BIOS

1. I killed a lot of hitchhikers once. - @TakeSumE
    
2. I type words on my home computer and then, using an internet connection, I post those words to the world wide web. In my spare time I teach first grade. - @cheeseboy22
    
3. I come over here when I've pissed the Facebook people off. - @JuliAnaB
    
4. I can control your mind, then I will probably eat you. - @psychicrocodile
    
5. I squeeze my toothpaste from the middle. - @kimberleebic
    
6. I'm a comedian. I also like taking pictures in my underwear to fill the hole in my ego where parental love should be. - @aprilmacie
    
7. No idea what I'm doing here, peer pressure is a horrible thing. - @YeungJeans
    
8. I'm the only bee in your bonnet - @abitterfiglet
    
9. Made it from child actor to adult actor without a single trip to rehab.... - @kaceybarnfield
    
10. blah blah blah - @spicyasian

Rock and Roll Faux of Fame (ver 1.1) #RnRFoF

I figure SOMEONE needs to be in charge in cataloguing the huge number of completely awesome band names that emerge in Twitter. 

I'll gladly assume that responsibility. 

Here is a small starter list, please comment/e-mail/tweet me with others.

ROCK AND ROLL FAUX OF FAME (#RnRFoF) Ver 1.1
 
Selfish Porcupine, Bionic Turtle - @anniecolbert
 
Cake Zombies - @YeungJeans 

God Particle -  @natekelly

Arboretum Pathway - @TakeSumE    http://twitpic.com/7w4xl2

Biopsychosocial Context - @garwboy

Tattered Libido - @orzelc

 

Massive Thatchers - @megpickard
 

Fountains of Methane - @lastcurfew
 

Joplin - @LisaMarieBowman
 
Social Butterflies - @sarahvargo

I am not including my "Rhymes With Bunt", because that is not the kind of band name you share with polite company.

Many, many, more to come...

ver 1.1: added @anniecolbert names. I am ashamed I missed them initially

Just STOP

If you are adding new material to your EXISTING blog, do not say "I am adding a new blog tonight".

You are adding a post.

This completes my new post to my blog.

(Un)dead math

Given my fixation on things zombie, @mattress2448 posed the following question to me:

If a vampire bites a zombie, will it turn into a zombie or will the zombie turn into a vampire?

My initial response was that the vampire would get zombified.  This assessment was challenged by several folks, so let's get all scientifical about it.

Since (shockingly I might add) there are few zombie or vampire related operands in math, I had to introduce the following:

vv = vampire bite
\\\ = zombie scratch
mm = zombie bite

Now, I believe the following are not contested

Zombie (Z1) mm Human (H) = Zombie (Z2)
Zombie (Z1) /// Human (H) = /// Human (H)
Vampire (V1) vv Human (H) = Vampire (V2)

Since the second equation about does not yield an outcome relevant to the question - we discard it.  But we did get to use the way cool /// symbol.  Now, solving for human...

mm H = Z2-Z1
vv H = V2-V1

Divide by vampire bite

(mm H) / vv = (Z2-Z1) / vv
H = (V2/V1) / vv

Substitute for H

mm (V2/V1 / vv) / vv = (Z2-Z1) / vv

Cross multiply

mm (V2/V1 / vv) / (Z2-Z1).....

Well...  OK, lemme work on this some more....

I need a life...

The Walking Dead Rankings

As we approach halftime in season 2 of The Walking Dead, I felt it was time to share my mid-season rankings on the characters' favor-ability in my eyes.

(Graphic novel character development omitted from this ratings)

1. Daryl Dixon 
2. Glenn
3. Rick Grimes
4. Otis  
5. Maggie Greene
6. Theodore "T-Dog" Douglas 
7. Carol Peletier 
8. Carl Grimes
9. Dale Horvath
10. Hershel Greene  
11. Well walker
12. Sophia Peletier (JUST SHOW UP DAMMIT)
13. Merle Dixon 
14. Lori Grimes
15. Andrea
16. Shane Walsh

Zombie on the hot seat

While I am truly enjoying the second season of Walking Dead, I have noticed the walkers have seemed much faster this season.  Suspiciously faster.  Could they be juicing?  I sat down with one of them and asked the hard questions...

INTERVIEW WITH A WALKER

KT: Good afternoon

W: argh hhmt zaaa
(I want to bite you)

KT: We'll see about that.  So, enjoying the second season of Walking Dead?

W: eerd cess toggo tommieees
(Outside of a crossbow bolt in my thigh and having some bad Chinese one night, a Mr. Chu I believe, can't complain)

KT: You seem to be much quicker this season.  Larger too.  I am also noticing some acne between your wounds.  How can you explain that?

W: toogh mantnaaa..gaaarrr... umgongga
(Well, I got a new trainer and try and to focus on small meals more often... jockeys and such)

KT: I have your CDC tests here.  You have tested positive for performance enhancing drugs SIX times this season.  No action was taken because you have tended to eat the lab staff.

W: yraaaa... leeee strr
(Yum... lab staff...)

KT: What about those results?

W: rugurt grammen fof fofft noginess cuuuverttta joog joog
(Hey, I can't control what the people I eat take, it is not like they wear labels... unless it is a jersey with Bonds on the back... heh heh)

KT: The test levels were far too high for second hand consumption, the reflect that YOU consumed the drugs

W: dovaaas cusssooun ratiii aaaagg uuun
(Well, my trainer DID give me something, but he said it was flaxseed oil.  It tasted a little funny, so I ate his elbow.)

KT:  Flaxseed oil?  Really?  Your hat size would have increase 3 sizes if you still had all your head left!

W: eeeerg
(This interview is OVER)

KT: Fine.  Ah, Mr. Dixon?  Would you be so kind as to help our guest leave?

Mr. Dixon: (cocking crossbow) Damn happy to.